


That Ugly Feeling

by AmoraChinchilla



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-25
Updated: 2013-08-25
Packaged: 2017-12-24 16:04:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/941874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmoraChinchilla/pseuds/AmoraChinchilla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For a prompt on something that I filled a long time ago. Please note that this was requested and written originally about a year ago, before Gamzee/Terezi was a thing. And, if I remember correctly, before Terezi/Dave was a thing, too. I'm only just now moving it over to here- with a few edits in the writing. </p><p>The prompt was "Karkat, who Terezi is red for, pities John.</p><p>Gamzee, who Terezi is black for, hates Dave.</p><p>Between this and the fact that Kanaya has started putting the moves on Rose, Terezi starts to wonder why all of these weak, hornless aliens are apparently more attractive than she is. Is there something wrong with her?</p><p>Eventually, this all gets to be too much and she huddles up in a corner somewhere, very upset and possibly crying. Someone, be it Dave, Aranea via dream bubble, Gamzee, or anyone else, finds her and helps her feel better. Could be through platonic reassurance and hugs, or pale or red emotions coming to light, but make it sappy and cheer this poor girl up.</p><p>Bonus points if Terezi is insecure about her creepy burnt-up eyes."</p><p>(For the record, I sort of tweaked the bit about Karkat loving John. It's more that she just assumes they have a thing.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Your name is Terezi Pyrope. You've been to hell and back by now, but for once, all of that can be forgotten.

Rose and Dave are on the meteor with you now, only just arrived, and it's exciting as can be because for once you can forget about the game and just act like the kid you almost forgot you are. You've been drawing up a storm with the human boy throughout the night, and now you're tired, though you feel lighter than you have in a long time. Like some big weight has been lifted from your shoulders now that you're allowed to relax and have a bit of fun.

Well, okay, you were having fun before. But fun at the risk of death in some crazy, universe-creating game, and fun just for the sake of it, are two entirely different things.

You find yourself starting toward Karkat's respiteblock after you finish cleaning up. Or more accurately, after you shove all the chalk in a chest and say goodbye to Dave. You're intent on bugging Karkat about sleeping before you do so yourself. He hadn't slept once in the time that you were playing the game, and even after you all got here he only took an hour-long snooze on the ground. And that was just from his fainting.

He doesn't listen, of course, rambling on about how some things are more important, and that there's no time to sleep, even though he knows you have a sweep and a half to spare.

You only sigh and shake your head, telling him he's ridiculous before heading off to your recuperacoon.

Of course, you only find yourself bumping into that abhorrent excuse for a troll on your way back to your own block. The one who killed one of your best friends and her moirail, and very nearly murdered you all. If it weren't for how much you really _hated_ him, you would have done him in right then and there.

Before you can spew the insults you've had ready ever since the original shoosh-paping incident, you smell the pomegranate-red scent unique to Dave's god tier outfit as he walks by, and suddenly Gamzee tells you that he's got somewhere else to be, and he's gone after Dave. Your expression falls a bit, but you don't let it get to you. You needed to get to sleep soon, anyway.

\---

Your name is Terezi Pyrope, and you honestly thought everything would be alright now. At least for a little while.

  
It's been a full year since the humans set foot on the meteor, and it was really cool at first. It's still sort of cool, getting to draw with Dave and this new Mayor guy, who seems to really have a passion for chalk and wonderful little towns made of canned foods. You can relate, at least in the chalk department, and the addition of a law enforcement office has you on-board right away.

But that doesn't mean you haven't noticed what's been going on lately.

Karkat doesn't talk to you much anymore, apparently finding his respiteblock much more interesting a place to be. You've even offered to watch one of his silly movies with him. And, you figured maybe it would get him to do something with you. But he just said that you wouldn't enjoy them, and waved you off like you were some annoyance.

Gamzee doesn't even seem to give you so much as a passing glance, even when you spit at him and growl, like some kind of feral beast to try to get your point across. He just casually walks by, and ten minutes later you can find him trying to start up some fight with Dave again.

\---

Your name is Terezi Pyrope, and you're starting to wonder what's wrong with you.

It's been two years now, and you don't see much of anyone anymore. Karkat's been trying to find a way to contact Jade and John for as long as you can remember, and though Dave still draws with you he's found some other things to occupy his time. You can't really blame him, though. He has a right to do other things if he wants to. Gamzee doesn't show up much anymore, and when he does he won't even so much as look at you.

You thought, maybe, you could try spending some time with Kanaya. You two have never been all too close, but she's nice. She cares about people and Karkat seems to like her, and you think she's alright too, so you thought maybe...

But it looks like she's gone running after Rose, and suddenly you feel very stupid and desperate and you wonder why no one seems to really think you're worth their time.

But for the fifth time in the last week, you tell yourself it's okay. You're just being paranoid and overreacting and it's fine. You'll see, things will be happy like you knew they would soon enough.

You're sure of it.

\---

Your name is Terezi Pyrope, and you're starting to realize you're only giving yourself false hope.

Three long years have gone by, and you've watched relationships grow and flourish while all of your own are slowly withering. By now, you realize they're already dead. Shriveled and incapable of being saved, like some pathetic plant that someone left far too long without water.

John and Jade are here now, and Karkat seems so happy to see the human boy. Happier than you've ever seen him, at least. Maybe he doesn't smile, but you can smell it on him, simple and rich and it would make you smile if it didn't hurt so bad to know you're not the one making that little smell of giddiness come from him. No, that's John's thing now. Karkat spends a lot of time with him. Even though it's mostly yelling and screaming on Karkat's part, you know what's going on. They're laughing, too. And they're becoming closer than you ever remember being with him. He's not your matespirit. There is no chance in hell he will ever become your matespirit. You were a moron to even believe that was a thing that could happen.

You wonder, silently, why Karkat didn't think you were good enough.

Was your laugh too annoying? Did your burned-out eyes freak him out? Maybe you had teased him just one too many times, or maybe you're just filled with too much angst nowadays for him to want to bother.

Gamzee, who comes out far more often than he used to, spends all his time with Karkat. You can't blame him, though. They are moirails. What upsets you is his continuous black flirting with Dave. He growls at him and scratches up his arms sometimes. They get into fights and they're nearly perfectly matched when they do, but when Gamzee wins he's so fucking smug that it makes you want to punch him square in the jaw and take his ego down a level. But you don't. You may be a pathetic, hideous troll who now has zero friends, but you're not so despicable that you would move in on Dave's territory like that. Besides, you realize he has no interest in you. He will never be your kismesis, and you should have realized from the beginning he didn't return your feelings.

You wonder, silently, why Gamzee didn't find you attractive enough to be worth disfiguring.

Were your teeth not sharp enough? Did he not think you were enough of a threat? Too weak to hold your own against him?

Kanaya was the last one you considered. Matespirit, maybe. You could learn to love her if you tried. Moirail, perhaps. She always did have that caring air to her. But she was already making moves toward Rose long before you thought of this, and she never did seem to take to much interest in your personal state of being. You assume she even has pale feelings for Jade.

You wonder, silently, why not even Kanaya thought you were good enough for her. The one troll actually known for her caring demeanor doesn't even feel obliged to give you the time of day.

You sit alone now, feet hanging over the edge of the roof as you stare with your blind eyes out toward the endless sea of darkness that has always engulfed this meteor. You wish things had never changed. You wish you were still in your treehive, and there were no humans, and there was no game, and there were no dead friends, and you especially wish that there was no one who would just decide you weren't worth it as soon as they didn't need you anymore.

You wish you had never gone blind, even if it's the only tie you've ever had with your lusus. You wish your eyes weren't burnt and red, because you're really starting to hate feeling so creepy, and you're really starting to hate the fact you can't even remember what you look like.  
You're starting to think you were never pretty at all. You never thought you were, but you've never felt or cared about being ugly. It's not like you can see. Why would anyone care if your hair isn't always brushed? Or if maybe your grin is a little off-putting?

You hear yourself sniffle, and it's only now you realize you've pulled your knees up to your chest. You feel like the ugliest thing in the universe because as it seems even stupid pink monkeys who are soft and squishy and weak are more attractive than you are.

You feel something run down your cheek, and if your nose weren't so stuffed up you know you would be able to smell the translucent teal that's started flowing from your eyes.

Your name is Terezi Pyrope, and now you're sobbing like a pathetic wiggler.

It lasts for a long time. At least you think it's a long time. It feels like it's been hours you've been sitting here crying about something you know you shouldn't care about.

But then you hear something, and you turn your head. You try to sniff, but your nose is too stuffed up, and it just sounds like you're snorting when you try to breathe in the scent. "Who's there?" you finally call, voice shaky and cracked and maybe a little more quiet than you meant it to be. You don't really care anymore, though. You just rub at your blind eyes, pushing your glasses up your face a bit as you do. "I said who's there, I can't smell you," you inform, a little louder this time as another sniffle comes from you. Suddenly you just feel all the more pathetic, and not in that stupid way Karkat says relates to love. The "oh god that freak's bawling her eyes out like a wiggler, she's so weak" kind of pathetic.

You really wish you could just curl up in a hole where no one could see you cry anymore.

"Hello?" you call again, starting to get irritated. But now you hear whoever was there has left, the quiet footsteps getting fainter and fainter as they leave you. Eventually you're left alone again with your own thoughts, and the deafening silence.

Not even worth a "what's wrong?"

You see how it is.

You make an attempt at a scoff, but it turns into a sob as you feel yourself curl tighter against your knees.

Briefly, you think about the empty void of space that lies literally inches away from your feet.

You wonder what would happen if you were to disappear into that void. Just jump in, never to be seen again. You don't consider actually doing it, you're not that mentally unstable and even if you were, you don't imagine you'd have the energy to bother. You still can't help but wonder if anyone would care if that happened, though. Maybe they'd think of it as one less annoyance in their lives. No more creepy, insane blind girls giggling in their ears or flirting uselessly with them.

You only realize now how desperate you've seemed the last sweep or so. It wasn't like you were throwing yourself at anyone's feet, but you've felt so desperate for someone to just hug you and tell you everything's going to be alright, and to tell you that you're not creepy or horrible or worthless.

Hell, you'd settle for a punch in the face and someone laughing at your misery. Some kind of contact. Some kind of assurance that you're wanted, for any reason at all.

For a moment, you wonder if this is how Eridan felt, in that time after Feferi had left him, and he'd been making passing attempts with anyone he could.

You feel your grip tighten on your pants, and you suddenly feel just a hint of regret for when you pushed him away. It's not like it matters now, though. That was a sweep and a half ago, and he probably deserved it anyways. Especially considering he would go on to murder two innocent people, and make another other go blind.

Usually, you'd probably have made some joke about how Eridan was only half the troll he used to be after all that, but not even stupid, slightly morbid humor like that takes away from the awful feelings pooling in your gut.

Oh well.

Suddenly there's another noise, and you feel like you should growl, but it comes out as a sort of half-sob partway through.

"Whoever you are, go away," you bark out, and when you don't hear anything, you assume they've left. But then you hear the shuffling of feet, and it's coming closer, not going farther away.

"I would probably do that, were a weird illustration not shoved into my hand, informing me you were in, and I quote, "serious need of assistance."

You know the voice as soon as you hear it, and it only makes you futilely try to hide your face because you know it's Karkat. You want him to go away, he's only making the feelings worse. But soon enough he's talking again. "Would you mind explaining, though, why exactly you're out here, crying alone in the dark like a newhatched wiggler who can't find its way out of the brooding caverns?"

You hear him as he moves, sitting down beside you. There's a crinkle of paper, and a sound like a grunt as he plops more than seats himself beside you.

You contemplate what to say to him. You could easily tell him to go away again, or make up some excuse. But all that you seem to be able to utter is a simple "It's nothing," and you know that he doesn't believe you. You're crying, and for as good a liar as you can be you know that he's not buying it this time. You're trying to sell him some cheap-ass perfume with the promise that it's an exotic scent, but he's just scoffing and walking away. Which is to say, in this scenario, coming closer.

He does scoff though, giving a shake of his head, which you only barely notice now that your nose is clearing up a bit. "Funny, it must be this human tradition I've heard about. The one where you say things that are completely opposite to what you're actually trying to say. It's like this funny little bullshit thing they do for one day, for absolutely no reason whatsoever other than to be abso-fucking-loutely annoying."

Oh yes, of course. A human reference, only going to show how chummy he's becoming with those horrid creatures. Well, most of them are horrid at least. Dave is pretty okay, but you're too angry and sad and just... upset to care. You feel your face contort, and you're pretty sure that you look like a wiggler who didn't get her way after her lusus told her no, you can't have anymore candy today.

Or some other similar, yet not quite as terrible analogy. Your thinkpan is too cluttered for you to think up a good one right now.

Finally you answer him, breathing in one shuddering breath and trying to calm yourself. You don't want to be to incoherent, even if you're not crying so much anymore. "If you hadn't already noticed, Karkat, I told you to go away." You try to make your voice sound bitter, but you're fairly certain the sniffle you make, and your rubbing at your eyes really take away from that factor. "Just, go back to John or whatever." You wave your hand dismissively, but he doesn't leave.

"Some things happen to be more important than hanging out with idiotic aliens. And honestly, if I'm around him and his insidious ramblings of gushing fruits and other such disgusting human idiocies any longer I may have to shove a hand down into my sound perceivers and rip out my auricular sponge clots," he explains, long-winded as ever. But, no matter how he puts it, you're aware he never means what he says about the humans. He considers them friends, or at the very least considers a few of them less than completely abhorrent in every way imaginable.

Your thinkpan doesn't seem to be wanting to do what it's meant for, because you really can't think of anything to say that will make any of this better. So, you just scoff, resting your head on your knees. You don't face him, and if you didn't have your eyes closed behind your glasses, then they'd still be staring out into that dark void. You don't really feel like opening them now. Not like you need them anyway.

It feels like hours pass before you hear him speak again, like he'd been waiting for you to gather your thoughts and say something. But you're not really sure, time seems to be sort of fucked up in your mind right now.

"I hope you realize I'm not leaving you alone until you explain what's going on with you," he informs, and that has you gritting your teeth, because with his stubborn ass you know that much is true. You're about to say something now, but he just keeps talking. Just like he always does. "After all, a leader doesn't exactly sit there and ignore his teammate's problems, whether they be completely fucking stupid or not."

Oh.

Ha, for a second there a tiny part of you thought maybe he actually did care.

You should have been able to guess it was just him trying to be a "good leader," even despite the fact you both know that Rose took up that position promptly upon arriving here. You tell yourself you're a moron, and once again you feel yourself start clutching onto the fabric of your pants. You think you might feel your nails digging into your legs through them, but you don't really care.

"Do not act like you give a single fuck about anything that may be going on with me," you say suddenly, and you just feel so mad. Or maybe that's just the sadness trying to be something else. Fuck, you don't even think that makes sense. "If you really feel the need to pry on your subordinate's business, then I can tell you that it's really nothing that you should feel inclined to worry yourself over. My problems are petty at best." And it is petty, you think, to get upset over the fact that no one seems to like you anymore, or the fact that maybe you're not the prettiest troll out there, or even the fact that you're just completely useless now that there's another, better seer around, and that there are other, better friends for them. Ones with stupid dull teeth that probably wouldn't cut people like yours would, and stupid hornless skulls that probably wouldn't poke people like yours would, and stupid eyes that aren't burnt and would never creep people out like yours would, and just all those fucking stupid, unattractive, horrible things that are apparently somehow so much better than all of you.

Fuck, and now you're tearing up again, and your throat is locking up on you because there is no way in hell you're letting Karkat see you cry again. You're not a weak little wiggler and he doesn't need to think you're one. Your mind is going a mile a minute, and once again it feels like forever before Karkat talks again, even though you're pretty sure it's only actually taken a few seconds for him to come up with a reply and spew it out at you.

"The fact that you would even say it like that proves that you're lying right now. I may be a blithering moron, but I do actually have some form of common sense." Suddenly you hear yourself growl. You're blurting something out and you don't even realize what you've actually said until moments after you say it.

"Just go away, Karkat. You're just making things a fuck of a lot worse for me here, and I could really go without being reminded that I am no more than a simple unimportant 'team member' to your cantankerous ass. Leave me alone to fucking wallow or something, I don't care, just stop making words spew from your festering vocal box and up through your protein chute because honestly I do not want to hear whatever kind of crap you have to say to try to make me think you're being anything even remotely pertaining to the word 'caring.'"

It's moments after that that you start crying again, and your jaw's clamping your teeth together so hard it actually hurts. You're not totally sure why you just said all that, because knowing him he will either come back with some horrid insult that will make you feel even worse about yourself, or he actually will leave you alone.

You really don't want to be alone anymore.

Karkat glares at you, and you can feel it. When he opens his mouth, you honestly expect something terrible to come out, but instead of a long rant that basically translates into "fuck you," you hear him say ten simple words.

"You say that like you don't think I actually care." You're not sure whether to be relieved that he's not yelling, or angry that he's telling you lies. Stubbornly, you stay there, looking grumpy, as well as rather pathetic with the way your face is flushed teal from all the crying. And so, like always, he continues.

"I have literally no idea what happened with you, but you're acting extremely unreasonable when I'm just trying to help. You know what someone needs to do before they can help, Terezi? They need to actually know what in the name of sweet almighty taintchafing fuck is wrong." You just barely smell a certain softness come to his face, not the normal hard angry glare he gives you. He shifts a little closer, and you feel something poke your cheek. It was always a funny thing he did when you were upset, and you never really got it. He'd poke your cheek and ask you what was wrong, and it never really made much sense but it was always somehow comforting, in a weird way.

"I really do want to help, Tez." Of course. Of-fucking-course he would choose this of all times to slip into that soft mode that was so hard to actually activate. Sometimes he would just let his mean, hateful demeanor melt away and show what he was actually like inside. As sappy as it sounds, you've always been able to see it was there. He's still stubborn as ever, of course, and he will pester you until you either tell him what's wrong or give a good reason that he should go away at all.

So you stop this idiocy, and you talk to him.

"It's really stupid," you tell him, relaxing just a bit. And this time, you don't sound so bitter. More just upset, and quiet the way you never seem to be.

"I've known you for sweeps. Anything that can get you bawling is definitely not a thing worthy of calling itself stupid. You hardly seem to get upset by anything, and if you do, you always seem to decide it's a better idea to just lock it away like it doesn't actually matter. Or, so I'm assuming. I'd like to think I know you well enough to be right on that account," he explains to you, and you feel him nudge you slightly with his elbow. "Just tell me, would you Pyrope? You know we're going to be here all night if you don't."

You sigh, never actually turning your head to face him. "I've just been wondering..." you start, looking for the right words. And you're happy to see that, for once, he actually waits for you to gather your thoughts instead of going into another long-winded rant. "Like, what happened to all my friends? And how come no one thinks I'm good enough anymore?" By the last bit of that, your voice is barely above a whisper. Your expression is unreadable, and right now you're just going over things in your head again. Trying to figure out why humans are suddenly so much more interesting than you are.

Karkat blinks, looking over at you skeptically. "Since when are we not your friends? And when have we ever insinuated you "weren't good enough?"

"Ever since the humans came, nothing's been the same. It was really fun at first, but now you all like them better than me and I don't really get why." You sigh, shaking your head a bit. "It's like no one can keep their hands off the humans, so Terezi's just left behind to play with her chalk and scalemates. Free to be her bothersome, creepy little self in the corner while everyone else takes to passionately wooing each other."

Karkat stays quiet, for once in his life. Like he's actually thinking over what you said and not just insisting he's right and that there's nothing wrong. You count the moments as they go by, just to distract yourself from the awkward silence, but you lose track by the time he speaks again. "We didn't mean to make you feel like we didn't want you around or anything," he explains, staring out in the same direction as your blind eyes do. "I always figured, you know, you were pretty contented with Dave and everything. There wasn't much reason for me to butt my head into the things you guys did, gallivanting around being annoying and having fun and all that."

"Yeah, but not even he talks to me anymore!" you insist, turning your head toward him now. Your face is contorted, and you just look upset. "Jade and John are here now," your voice is softer when you speak this time, and you lay your head against your knees again, pressing your cheek against them so you can still face the other. "One of them he loves and one of them is his best friend, so suddenly there's not any place for me anymore." And it's true, you know it is. Dave is deeply red for Jade, and you're not the favorite now that John is here. They're the best of bros and you're too broken anyways. "It's that way with everyone. Kanaya is deeply flushed for Rose, and even though she puts up with my antics she's never willing to actually do anything fun with me. Davesprite still hates me for killing his John, and I can't even... Not even the freaky orange creamsicle sprite wants me and..." You bite your lip a bit, frustrated at how stupid you must sound. You're being so whiny over something that's wrong with you.

You have a feeling Karkat senses the fact you're about to cry, or at least that you're obviously upset, because he scoots closer and wraps an arm around you. You can tell it's almost a hesitant movement as he pulls you close to him, trying to provide some comfort. He never was really eager to touch anyone like that. Never eager to touch people, unless it had to do with slapping them away from a keyboard. Even so, you take any comfort you can get, wrapping your own arm around him in a sort of half-hug that makes fluttering insectoids rise up in your stomach. It's been a long time since someone's hugged you, and you're surprised how much you missed such a feeling.

"You were right, you know," he tells you, voice soft compared to his usual loudness. "it is stupid-" you tense slightly at that, but his hand gently rubbing your shoulder tells you to relax. "-more so that someone could lead you to believe something as idiotic as that. It wasn't something anyone meant to do, I'm sure."

"It's fine," you whisper, and he glances down toward you. You give a little smile, face twitching as you breathe a shaky breath. "You don't have to pretend either you know. I get that I'm a little freaky and am not exactly the picture of troll beauty. I sort of understand why no one would want..." you trail off, simply mouthing the word "me."

You're surprised when Karkat shifts some, moving so that he can hug both arms around you rather than the single one. It's so odd that he's being nice, even though you always knew how capable of kindness he was.

What surprises you even more, though, is that you yourself turn to wrap your arms around him, and though you try to stop yourself, you nuzzle into the crook of his neck as you let out a little sob. You don't think you've ever hated yourself more than you do at this moment, because now you're just bothering Karkat with your petty troubles. As nice as his arms feel around you, it only stings, bringing up old feelings that you're all too aware he doesn't return.

"Terezi, I want you to listen very carefully to what I'm about to say," he tells you slowly, like you're a wiggler who won't quite understand. "no sitting around refusing to accept the most simple of facts, or ignoring what little amount of sense I can make. Just you, shutting up and listening."

"Karkat-" he cuts you off with his own words, simply telling you to shush.

And so, you do.

"There are a lot of things I could say right now, and every single one of those things would most likely translate loosely into "every single one of us is most definitely the worst kind of putrid gas bubble that ever happened to blow out from the festering asshole of a gargantuan heaving behemoth," because that's pretty much true if we ever lead you to believe that there was some reason we didn't want you around. But the point here would mainly be that you're my friend. You have been for sweeps, and you still are, no matter how many people are parading around here taking up my time," you're quiet now, only listening to his ramblings. You're not sure how much better it's all making you feel. Even if you're still supposedly friends then, well, you really don't feel like it. But he continues nonetheless, never stopping. "I don't know much about yours and Dave's relationship. But I know for a fact that he cares about you, and as much as I can't stand him I know he wouldn't think to make you feel like this intentionally. He's probably just excited to see his old friends again, and hey, he's got a reason to. If Sollux spontaneously reappeared, I would probably end up spending most of my time with him for the first few weeks. Just like you would probably do with Nepeta. You can't forget, he hasn't seen them in a sweep and a half."

You know he's right about that much, and you know, yeah, he's still your friend even if he doesn't draw and play with you so much anymore. You take a deep breath, and you hate the fact that your voice shakes so much when you speak. "What use are friends though if they never want to be with you? You're all to enthralled with your new quadrants, filled to the brim by a bunch of monkey-faced aliens to really give much thought to the other people in your lives..." You feel bad saying that, and for a moment wonder if that was insulting to him. Your grip tightens on him some, and you try to smile, starting to speak again. "I understand why... I do, but it's just..." you sniffle, bringing a hand to rub at your eyes again, puffy from your crying. "It's hard, Karkat. It's hard and no one understands."

Karkat pinches the bridge of his nose, giving a long sigh. "Okay, so maybe this is a little more than I thought it was. Why exactly did you feel the need to start dragging quadrants into this? It doesn't make much sense considering the fact that basically every single person here is the dumbest piece of festering excrement that paradox space has ever had the displeasure of finding burning in a paper bag on its frontal hive step when it comes to romance." Karkat stops there, realizing he's rambling again. The shake of his head proves it. But then he continues, getting to the point. "In case that wasn't clear, I'm wondering why you're commenting on these quadrants we are apparently so absorbed in."

With a long sigh, you gather your thoughts in your head, readying yourself to explain to him. It takes a long moment to figure out exactly what you want to say, and even when you do, it just comes out in a jumble of messed up ramblings.  
"Ever since the humans came everyone's been slowly drifting away from me because suddenly you're obsessed with talking to Jade and John, and Gamzee hates Dave, and Kanaya's all up in Rose's metaphorical human grill attempting to initiate the human 'lesbians' with her, and now you guys don't even talk to me because apparently Jade and John are there for Dave and you and it's just-" you blurt it all out in a long, quick statement, slouching a bit as you realize you're talking like a pathetic wiggler, rambling on to the deaf ears of their lusus.

You give a pause, and then you try again, making sure to talk slower.  
"As of now only the Mayor thinks I'm good enough to hang out with, and he can't even talk." You scoot away from Karkat now, shaking your head. You don't need him to hug you and pity you, you know you don't, and you tell yourself that. "You've got John in red, and Gamzee's got Dave in black, and Dave's got Jade in whatever the hell it is that humans have. Even Kanaya has Rose. And I'm just sort of sitting out alone wondering why everyone took such a liking to a bunch of pink, deformed monkeys, while apparently I'm to creepy and ugly for anyone to even consider..." Even now you have to admit it sounds so petty, being upset over this little fact.

Karkat's silent, and you're sure that he's just thinking about how stupid you are. He always thinks that, actually.

"I'm always just going to be Terezi Pyrope, with the burnt-out eyes and the sharp, ripping teeth, and Terezi Pyrope, the blind girl who can somehow find a way to lick fucking colors in the creepiest way, and Terezi god damned Pyrope, who eats chalk and hangs plush toys and-" you stop, tears streaking your cheeks, though this time you're not quite sobbing. You only stop because Karkat's lifted you into his arms, and he's hugged you close, pulling you into his lap and not even caring that you're so close to him, even though he usually yells and rants about it when you try to hug him on your own.

Your name is Terezi Pyrope, and guess what? Now you're incredibly confused.

"Listen to me, alright?" he starts, hands holding you close. You don't even try to get away, focusing on simply breathing, keeping from embarrassing yourself even further. And besides, it's kind of really nice to feel how warm he is. You didn't think you would ever miss physical contact like this, but you realize now that you do. You really do miss it. It's been a long, long time since anyone's hugged you like this.

And then Karkat continues, and you realize he's been talking. It takes you a few moments for your mind to actually process what he says, but when you do, it has you sobbing all over again.

"Everything you just spewed out of your protein chute is all one big, idiotic, horrible lie. Because you know what? You're not ugly. You're not creepy, unless you're actually attempting to be, which I know that you actually do sometimes. There are people all around who love you as a friend, fuck, I know for a fact there is at least one asshole of a guy who loves you more than that. If you happen to believe otherwise, you've got more brain damage than Gamzee does," there's a pang in your vascular pump, and it's all bittersweet what he's saying. Yet you know it's probably a lie. You're snorting and sniffling through your stuffed up nose, and you're getting his shirt wet with the tears you wish would just go away. But he continues, just like he always does.

"It might be true that Gamzee doesn't hate you, and maybe everyone else is having a rumpus respite asshole party over the fact that we get to see our old friends again, but jumping to conclusions is the kind of thing that gets you into this kind of depressed state. But you know what? I promise you, no matter what gets stuck into that think pan of yours, and no matter how much I might choose to be the most colossal asshole who has ever graced the universe with its existence, you are beautiful." You're pretty sure that your pump stops in your chest at that, and for a second your grip loosens on his shirt, as you wonder silently if he's just trying to make you feel better. "You are beautiful," he says again, resting his chin on the top of your head, in between your horns.

You feel so vulnerable like this, and you're not so sure how much you like it, but you somehow feel safer with someone there with their arms around you. You open your mouth, breathing out a little whisper.

"Do you really think I'm pretty?" you wonder, and you give a small, forced laugh at how ridiculous that sounds. You sniffle a bit, trying to wipe your face with your arm. You pull away from his head, eyes blinking up at him. "Can you really say that about a girl whose got burnt up eyes?" you ask again, trying to point out your more flawed features. You know when he stares into your eyes behind your glasses that he's got to be thinking over how horrible they actually are.

You know it without a doubt.

You know.

You think.

You assume...

That is, until he reaches out, delicately removing the red-tinted glasses that had been pushed rather askew by now.

After setting them aside, he moves his hands to your cheeks, cupping them and gently, far too much so to really be Karkat, he wipes the tears away with his thumbs. His eyes watch yours, and though all you can see is a blurred picture made up of fuzzy smells, you know there's no disgust in his eyes. He only leans forward, pressing a kiss to each eyelid before he speaks. Briefly, you wonder if it's his continuous watching of romcoms that's turned him so soft.

"The only thing that I see in front of me is a troll who's a little different. She might not have big yellow eyes or a soothing, gentle smile," he starts, one hand moving from your cheek as he speaks. You wonder now how he can be so perfect, making you feel like maybe you're not as awful as you thought you were. "and maybe, just maybe, she's a little bit broken right now," he continues, his hand squeezing yours gently. "but she's perfect because she's Terezi. The best listener, the most cheerful, carefree, and wonderful troll that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Even if I'm sometimes a moronic asshole and choose to be unfairly insulting to her, and or ignore her without thinking about what it could mean."

You feel a few more tears roll down your cheeks. But this time, you can feel yourself smiling, just the slightest bit. Your arms move around him in one quick movement, and you hug him tighter than you ever thought was possible.

You sit there for a long time, not saying anything. He's quiet, too, surprisingly enough. It's not awkward, or even uncomfortable a silence, just peaceful, and you feel as though a big weight has been lifted off of you with those simple words. You think for a moment that it's a little stupid that you would feel so much better after someone telling you that you aren't entirely useless.

Time still just doesn't seem to flow the same as it should. It feels like it's been hours and seconds all at once, forever yet never long enough that you've been sitting here in his lap, now relaxed instead of clinging onto him.  
And now, you feel something touch your hand.

Fingers gently unfold your own, slipping between yours to hold your hand. You're surprised, at all the little things that you notice about them when he does, like the fact that his hands are slightly calloused from the sweeps of practicing his fighting, and how his hands are so much bigger than your own, maybe even twice the size. He's grown a lot in the past sweep and a half, while you seem to be stuck at your own tiny height. You're pretty sure you've just grown outward rather than upward, and not in the normal, feminine way that it would usually imply.

You remind yourself, though, not to start ruining this with more bad thoughts about yourself. It's not like weight is something that would usually matter too much in troll society, and honestly, you're probably perfectly healthy for your age.

You decide to focus on Karkat instead. The little differences you couldn't notice until now, where he seems like such a different person. You didn't get to watch him gradually change like everyone else did, and now everything was hitting you all at once.

For starters, he's huge. Or at least compared to that little thing he was before, barely taller than you at all. Now he could rest his head on top of yours without any effort. You notice he's wearing a short-sleeved shirt, and perhaps that shouldn't be such a shock, but he had always kept his longer ones on. Even when it was burning hot, he was more worried over covering as much skin as he was able, like somehow the layer of cloth would keep away anything cutting him and showing his blood. The smallest of smiles comes over your face, though there's some part of you that's disappointed that you weren't there when he finally realized that his blood doesn't matter. Idly you wonder if he'll ever wear the color on his shirt, but you have a feeling that he still despises it.

After another moment thinking to yourself, you realize his pitiful nubs have grown by an inch or two. Like yours, you don't think they're going to grow remarkably long. The bags under his eyes have disappeared, you notice, the dark circles that were always there before hardly noticeable now. One of the many benefits of having found a way to make recuperacoons again. His hair is more tangled and messy than ever, and you truly wonder if he's even brushed it since you last caught whiff of him.

His eyes, which are now closed, are starting to fill in with his delicious candy red. You wonder how he's dealing with that realization. If he even has the slightest care in the world about it anymore.

The thing, oddly enough, that you notice most is the sound of the thumping in his chest. Thump, thump, thump, perfectly calm and normal, unlike the rapid sound you're used to. He was always so upset, or angry, or just frustrated, and sometimes you wondered how the sound could be that fast. Your lips twitch upward again when you gently squeeze his hand, and you can hear his vascular pump speed up, just slightly, under all his skin and muscle.

Despite all the changes, there's something so familiar about him too. Things that let you know this is really Karkat, and not someone else pretending to be him. That would have been a ridiculous notion, anyways.

His teeth still poke out of his mouth in a way that would be ugly to most species, his ridiculous overbite making it even more apparent. His hair still seems the same length as ever, probably unable to grow with how mangled it is. His horns are still nubby as ever, and to someone who couldn't remember the exact look (or scent) he had those three years ago, it wouldn't have seemed like they'd grown at all.

The most familiar thing, though, would have to be the smell he has. The sweet candy red, like cherry pies and fresh-picked apples, behind the ashen concrete of his skin. That delicious banquet of emotions he always gives off, even though he doesn't realize you can smell it all.

You wish you could spend forever here in his arms, never letting go of him, because he makes you feel a little bit better, and he's the only one who's talked to you in so long.

And maybe, just maybe, because you still have feelings for him.

Your name is Terezi Pyrope. You're an insecure, horrible little thing with burnt-out eyes and sharp cutting teeth, and a personality that anyone would find disturbing.  
But somehow, you can't shake the feeling that everything's going to be okay.


	2. Super Special Bonus Thing!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little thing that I had put as a sort of silly bonus thing on the original post.

Off in the corner, there sits a sweet little dersite, smile wide on his face behind the silly ghost sheet cloak, and the handmade mayor's sash.  
  
He's watching his good friend from where he sits, the one who draws with him sometimes, and keeps peace for the good citizens of Cantown. She's not crying anymore, and he's a little sad that he wasn't able to help her himself, but not being able to speak that funny troll language sort of makes things like that hard.  
  
Of course, though, he had a plan to help her either way. After he saw her all sad and crying out here, he couldn't just leave her be.  
  
Sitting beside Karkat now would be something he himself had given to the cantankerous troll.

 


End file.
